YOU CAN RUN, YOU CAN HIDE BUT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE MY LOVE.

And here was me thinking Enrique's career had died with his mole, but no it is alive and flourishing on Koh Lanta. Too bad there's nobody visiting here to hear it, it's flourishing amongst the pervert parade working at our hotel. The main culprit is a young man with a smile that, at best, could be described as cheeky, at worst as murderous. Luckily it seemed his grimace was reserved for kangaroos, his favourite animal. That was until he slid over to my bezzie Ciabattz, 'I tell everyone one hour ago when yo go to Seven Eleven, I tell everyone, I say to my friend, I say 'She looks like kangaroo'. They are my favourite animals, I love kangaroo, I really love them.' Oh shit.

The hours that followed were some of my favourite, and her worst, of travelling. Choice quotes:

'Your teeth, your nose and your face look like kangaroo'
'You have to marry koala'
'A lot of people like kangaroo, NOT ALL'
'Yes kangaroo can snorkel'
''I want to bring you back to the jungle, you have to mate with koala. And tomorrow you have to jump to where you go.'
'A lot of people like koala, NOT ALL.'

Unfortunately he likes them so much that he follows us home and receives a kick to the crotch for his efforts. But not before he issues an ominous premonition, 'Kangaroo cannot ride moped.' No Kangaroo cannot. Kangaroo crashed into a poor Thai lady's washing rack. Kangaroo goes flying, knickers and bras everywhere, prompting my most intelligent friend Sir Podge's response, 'Why did your bra fall off?'

SEE, IT'S SHIT.

Turns out no one lives or comes to Koh Lanta. Sir Podge, the little party animal, and I, HATE it here. #megafirstworldproblems. Let's hope Phi Phi lives up to it's rePHItation, geddit.... nevermind. Alriiiiiight, as Ciabattz insists Koh Lanta's PROBABLY the most beautiful place we've ever been, but WHERE'S THE PARTY?