CHIANG ME CHIANG MAI.

We slept our way up through northern Thailand to Chiang Mai on the sleeper trains. These trains hold the glorious, and highly underated, Dinner Set B. Promise me, swear on the Lord Elton John's life, that if you ever find yourself on one of these trains grasping the menu in your sweaty mitts, you will order Dinner Set B; so good they didn't name it twice, they tattooed the name on them forever.

 

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS JOKING.

- OBVZ I GOT MINE ON MY ARM AS HARRY STYLES HAS HIS 'A' FOR HIS MUM ANNE THERE AND I KNOW

THAT, WHEN WE MEET,  ME BEING ABLE TO SAY 'BE THE A TO MY B' WILL MEAN WE'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

 

You're thinking 'Are they honestly that stupid?' when what you should be asking yourself is 'Shit, just how delicious was it?' For that question, my friend, I have no words that will do the answer justice. We travelled via Bangkok, where my ex-boyf in a drunken stupor put my size seven flip-flops on, leaving his, and abandoned me in to the mercy of the 40°C  tarmac of the Koh San Road with only fucking Hagrid's flippers to wear. Fuck knows how he didn't notice. Having no shoes, something has Chainged Mai foot something awful and it's now more swollen than my imbecillic lightingbolt finger tattoo new wand. Surviving a car smashing into our tuk-tuk ("AVADA KADAVRAAA") we stayed at an elephant park, chosen because of the mind-blowing pineapple one Trip Advisor review said it served.

 COURTESY OF (THE CRAZIES ON) TRIPADVISOR

 

For supper we ate truly the best pineapple we ever did taste, and as night fell we played Mystery Meat (known locally as Eating Fur, but I thought to the squalid Western mind this may sound like a different game) and Singing Around a Campfire. These are the songs that the elephant trainers, or Mahoots, knew, and the courses they accompanied:

 

Rice, sugar and coconut                       I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
cooked in bamboo                             
 

Seeds                                                    Wonderwall - Oasis
 

Buffelo skin (fur)                                 When You Say Nothing At All - the Ronan Keating version
                                                                            

 

Ronan was the only one we all knew all the words to (soz Manchester, three years under your rainy sky hasn't taught me the second verse to Wonderwall 'BACK BEAT the word was on the street...???' No? Fuck knows). Well done Sir Keating (surely), doesn't matter if you're breaking up marriages, you are uniting nations; it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart, without saying a word you can light up the dark... Our last day in this wondrous country was spend with the Nellys. Honestly the best pineapple I've ever eaten for breaky, with the guliable BFF enjoying her first elephant egg omelette, then we went to feed the elephants (not their own eggs, that would be cruel) and ride and bathe them. Shout out to Grandma Golden Moon, surely the noblest elephant of them all.

PINEAPPRECIATION.

After some more marvelous pineapple we had a cup of tea with this AMAZING new food called coffee creamer which means you DON'T NEED MILK, seriously you just don't need it. Plus it's delicious, Jamie Oliver should be telling the world about this stuff. Mmmmmmm. Time for one more round of that heavenly pineapple and we'll be on our way. Thank you, goodnight and God bless Thailand.

Kob khun ka.